A Rainbow Of Hope

She lay in her bed, her heart, body and soul completely numb. She couldn’t feel anything. No pain. No heartache. No regret. There were no tears tonight. No gasps for breath. No build up of fear and anxiety. She had frozen. She had turned to ice. Slowly, she turned to lay on her side. The wind continued to howl outside and the rain poured from the skies. She wanted to feel. Feel some regret; she wanted to feel the pain. Where was it and why had it disappeared. The frustration increased. The resentment towards her own self began to build up. Clenching her eyes shut and squeezing her fist tightly, she began to fight. The dark thoughts, as well the intense longing to want to hurt her herself. To want to feel the pain of the sin she had committed. To taste the bitterness of what her own hands had put forth.

Battling, fighting, clenching her eyes tighter. She continued to battle. Forcing herself, she reached out her hand to the phone that lay besides her. Swiftly, she tapped in her code. “You’re so weak, Aisha…”, "…Why are you going to listen to the Qur’an after sinning, are you mad?”, “…Listen, its over for you. You’ve made far too many mistakes, you should punish yourself for this.”, “Is there even any point of existing?” Shaytaans whispers escalated as she continued to hold the phone in her hand. Her one finger was on the screen ready to click play, and the other on the power off button.

But what would she do. She looked ahead at the window in front of her. The night was dark. Yet, a light still shone. Perhaps it was a street light. Whatever it was, it somehow gave her an ounce of hope amidst the darkness of her thoughts. Maybe the light would shine through.

Despair. She was on the brink of giving up. She was biting her tongue.

She couldn’t despair. Allah was with her. The Most Merciful, The One who loves to forgive. The Pardoner; He was right there. Ready to forgive. Say it. Say Istighfar. Rainbows must be sought. If I don’t do anything, forgiveness will not come. Imaan will not return.

She grabbed her phone once more, tapped in her code and pressed play.

Surah Zumar.

The melodious recitation continued to play but her heart remained frozen. Staring into space, she waited. Waited for the words of Allah to pierce through her hearts and fill it with feelings of tranquility. And it did. “O my slaves who have transgressed against themselves…” Tears began to flow from her eyes. She felt her heart crack open and tears gushed forth. “Despair not of the mercy of Allah.” The pain, regret, guilt stung. “Indeed Allah forgives all sins…” She curled into a ball under her duvet unable to face the darkness of her room. Shy before her Lord. She was crying heavily now but her tongue was also moving repeating words of Istighfaar. Her ears were also listening to the beautiful, healings words of Allah. “Indeed He is the Oft-Forgiving, The Most Merciful.”

Tomorrow will be a new day. The Sun will rise. Wad-Duha. Your Lord has not and will not abandon you. Let your sincere repentance wipe clean the filth upon your heart, Aisha whispered to herself. Now is the time for change.

She lifted her covers, rushed into the bathroom to make her ablution and then stood on her prayer mat. This was her time to change. Not in the next hour, not tomorrow, not next week; now. “Indeed Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in there selves.”

Aisha, the girl who was on the brink of despair but battled her way to the frontline, ready to face the battle. Stronger, determined and more hopeful than ever before.