The Year It Hit...

It was in high school - year 10, a year before my GCSE's, when it hit.

And it hit hard.

I don't remember the exact cause of it. I had been studying in the school for 4 years, had good friends, things at home were fine, and most importantly, I was a practicing Muslim girl. I prayed, I fasted, I contemplated, I thanked Allah, I attended classes and reminders, memorised Qur'an and volunteered at the local Islamic centre.

Yet, it still hit.

In fact, I can't remember a year where my Salaah was so focused and my heart was more connected to Allah than in that year.

Yet, it still consumed me.

I would sit it in class and feel the sudden urge to withdraw. Something was eating me up inside and I couldn't put a finger to it. Most of the time, I would go sit outside, or in the first aid room, and cry. I felt lonely though people were around me. I felt sadness though there were so may reasons to be happy. I felt insecure though I knew He was keeping safe. I felt an outcast though I was loved by all - family and friends. 

Yet, for some reason my heart was unsettled. I felt I wasn't worth it. I felt a failure. That I was doing something wrong. I felt scared, anxious, worried at the most inconvenient of times. It's as though darkness surrounded me from above me, below me and all around me. Yet, I could see the light. The sun it rised every morning, the birds they chirped and sang just before dawn. I could see light, just couldn't feel it.

I'd go home to my loving family unable to feel their love or warmth. I wanted to so badly. But I felt the entire world was against me. There was nowhere I felt secure.

And that's the thing about when it hits. It doesn't come with a warning. Nor does it hit only those who have no faith. Yes, it can target even the practicing Muslim.

Today, this is the message I want to share with those who feel or have ever felt this way. Those who, are strong, practicing Muslims, yet suffer from what is labeled today as, 'depression' or 'anxiety.'

It's will be okay.

I finally snapped out of this phase after a long year struggle. Finally, I felt alive, energy filled me and passion entered my heart. I felt happy. I could actually see the sunshine and at the same time feel amazing basking under its warm rays.

2 years later, I decided to write my book. They say, the harder you fall, the stronger you rise. And so that's what I did. That's what He granted me the ability to do. I began to appreciate every moment I felt happiness or warmth or love or security. It was incredible. To feel appreciation for the smallest gifts in life. If I hadn't gone through the dark phase, there was no way I would appreciate light and ease the way I do today.

To all those who are going through a bout of darkness or are in the midst of the storm of depression, anxiety or distress. It's not your fault. Everyone is tested in different ways, some are tested with physical illness, others with wealth, children or money, and some, with mental illness, which what depression is. Just as the body gets sick from time to time, so does the mind. For some, it hits because of external factors. Due to an experience they went through in life, or a trauma they witnessed or the environment they in, and for some, its genetic. Their brain works differently; there is a chemical imbalance.

But just like any test in life, it requires Sabr. Patience. Control. 

I know it's not easy. It's not easy to be patient when your brain doesn't feel like getting out of bed. When everything is weighing heavy on your heart. When you've cried far too much. When you feel drained, overwhelmed, numb and scared. It's not easy.

But always speak to someone. Don't bottle in. However dark your feelings and thoughts are confide in someone. Firstly, know that Allah is there to hear your every call, so ask Him. And secondly, the people around you are gifts from Him. He has sent them to support you so don't push away the one who wants to reach out a hand. 

And when it hits and you feel too drained to do anything. Listen to His words. That requires little effort on your part. You just need to listen, reflect, have faith, be consoled by the words of Allah. And trust me when I say it is one of the best antidotes. 

To every depressed or distressed soul, your not alone! Nor do you need to go through it alone. It is completely possible for you to be Muslim, practicing and feeling looming sadness or dread. It doesn't make you a failure. Rather, it says a lot about your ability and strength. The thing about depression or any other mental illness is is that it tries to paralyse you. Chain you. Hold you down. Trample you. Don't let it. Keep moving. Even if you're not feeling it, even if you don't want to speak to anyone. Do it. Doing something is better than not doing anything at all. So keep moving.

And remember, "Allah does not burden a person beyond their scope."  

May Allah heal all the wounds of those who bleed outside for the world to see, as well as those that bleed only on the inside, and no one sees. May He grant light and serenity to every heart that has been engulfed with darkness. <3

When The Sea Split - Inspiring lessons from the life of Musa (as): Part 1

If you ever want to read about someone who made one of the biggest mistakes, who did something many of us could not even imagine doing, who went through periods of darkness and failures, who struggled and fought and weathered the hardships that were thrown his way, who toiled, who worked hard, who persevered, who made mistakes, who feared and worried to the point he felt his chest tighten and his confidence weaken, who felt incapable and unworthy, yet STILL turn out to be one of the most beloved people to Allah (swt), then read about the life of Musa (as). The only prophet that was honoured to speak to Allah directly. A prophet whose name is mentioned most in the Qur'an, and whose life and legacy is an inspiration for those who have stooped so low, for those who feel a dip in their imaan, for those who are waiting to fly again, waiting for the storm to pass.

Musa (as)'s journey began in the beautiful, golden city of Egypt. One day, at the edge of the River Nile, the mother of Musa (as) was inspired by Allah (swt) to throw her beloved child, the coolness of her eyes, the delight of her soul, into a river - all alone in a basket. It was at that moment, this mother felt the unexplainable pain of being separated from her beloved. Her heart became empty of all emotions. She felt numb. So many thoughts were racing through her mind. Yet, Allah (swt) comforted her, saying: "And We inspired the mother of Musa (Moses), (saying): "Suckle him [Musa (Moses)], but when you fear for him, then cast him into the river and fear not, nor grieve. Verily! We shall bring him back to you, and shall make him one of (Our) Messengers." It was thereafter that Allah fastened her heart, comforted it and strengthened it so she could be reassured about her son. "And the heart of Moses' mother became empty [of all else]. She was about to disclose [the matter concerning] him had We not bound fast her heart that she would be of the believers."

Lesson: Allah consoled the heart of the Mother of Musa (as) in her most difficult moment, when all she could picture was the river and a drowning child. It was not till later that she discovered the hidden wisdom behind her most painful experience. Allah will console your heart too. Amidst the chaos of life, through the rivers of sorrows, and even in the depth of darkness, reach out to Him and He will bind your heart with the sweetness of faith. 

However, little did she know that this marked the beginning of an incredible journey that Musa (as) was about to embark on. A journey to self discovery, and a journey of hope.

Musa (as) was then founded by the wife of Fir'aun who took him under her care. She showered him with love and care and also hired wet nurses to wean him. Amongst those that were hired was the mother of Musa (as) herself. Allah returned him to her so that perhaps her may be at rest and she may be consoled by the warmth of her beloved baby.

Lesson: Allah has a plan for you. When He takes something from you, He will always give you something better. In your loss is a gain. And in your situation there is a greater wisdom though you may not see it now. The jigsaw doesn't make sense till its complete. So trust Allah. You are on just one part of the puzzle. The bigger picture tells a different story and only once it's complete will it all make sense. So continue the journey knowing that whilst you plan, Allah plans and He is the best and most beautiful and perfect of planners.

Musa (as) grew. He became a man, and Allah bestowed upon him maturity, intelligence, knowledge and judgment. "And when he attained his full strength and was [mentally] mature, We bestowed upon him judgement and knowledge. And thus do We reward the doers of good."

Lesson: Notice how Allah (swt) he says at the end of the ayah, "And thus do we reward the doers of good." This knowledge and judgement that Musa (as) was bestowed with was a gift from Allah. Allah saw good in Him and so increased him in good qualities and gave him knowledge and maturity. Allah (swt) rewards the doers of good by increasing them in goodness. As He says elsewhere in the Qur'an, "Is there any reward for good except good?"

Time went on, and Musa (as) continued to grow and mature. One day, he entered a city and there he witnessed to men fighting, in midst of it all, Musa (as), with the intention to resolve the issue and respond to the plea of the man who was being fought, went and struck the other man and unintentionally killed him. Allah says regarding this: "And he entered the city at a time of inattention by its people and found therein two men fighting: one from his faction and one from among his enemy. And the one from his faction called for help to him against the one from his enemy, so Moses struck him and [unintentionally] killed him. [Moses] said, "This is from the work of Satan. Indeed, he is a manifest, misleading enemy." He said, "My Lord, indeed I have wronged myself, so forgive me," and He forgave him. Indeed, He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.

Lesson: Imagine. Think about this. Musa (as), a Prophet of Allah, killed another human being? Imagine that for a moment. Though it was unintentional, imagine the feeling inside the heart of Musa (as). The sadness, the despair, the shock, the trauma, the regret? How many of us here can claim that we have made this same mistake in our lives? Yet, did Musa (as) despair of the mercy of His Lord? Did he drown in grief? No, he acknowledged that Shaytaan was the one who mislead him. He didn't beat himself up. He didn't despair. Musa (as) instead made Du'aa to Allah for forgiveness. Note how he realised that he wronged his own self. When you sin, you wrong your own soul, but when you turn back to Allah, with sincerity and hope, He will forgive you because Allah loves those who repent and turn back to Him.

So all those who are on the brink of giving hope, remember that it is greatest enemy who misleads you. Hold onto hope. Feel the remorse and then take action by fleeing to Allah. By acknowledging that Shaytaan is your greatest enemy and you can't let him win twice, first at making you sin and then again at making you despair. 


Word began to go round that the people of that city were planning to kill Musa (as), and so he was told to flee, and he did. Allah says, "So he left it, fearful and anticipating [apprehension]. He said, "My Lord, save me from the wrongdoing people." Musa (as) was filled with fear and anxiety. Again, he made Du'aa to Allah asking Him for safety and protection. Yet, at the same time he held onto the rope of hope, saying: "And when he directed himself toward Madyan, he said, "Perhaps my Lord will guide me to the sound way."

Lesson: Whenever you feel your world darken, whenever anxiety seeps its way into the cracks between your heart, every time you feel like the entire worlds weight is upon your shoulders and every time you worry about the future will hold, raise your hands. Allah (swt) is near and He understands and He knows and He sees and He will take you further and further. Musa (as) reassured himself and told himself, that Allah would guide way and He did. Because Allah is what His slave expects of Him so only expect good of Allah.

What happened after Musa (as) fled this city? In a state of poverty, fear and apprehension? Find our in part 2 of this series, inshaAllah. :)

A Rainbow Of Hope

She lay in her bed, her heart, body and soul completely numb. She couldn’t feel anything. No pain. No heartache. No regret. There were no tears tonight. No gasps for breath. No build up of fear and anxiety. She had frozen. She had turned to ice. Slowly, she turned to lay on her side. The wind continued to howl outside and the rain poured from the skies. She wanted to feel. Feel some regret; she wanted to feel the pain. Where was it and why had it disappeared. The frustration increased. The resentment towards her own self began to build up. Clenching her eyes shut and squeezing her fist tightly, she began to fight. The dark thoughts, as well the intense longing to want to hurt her herself. To want to feel the pain of the sin she had committed. To taste the bitterness of what her own hands had put forth.

Battling, fighting, clenching her eyes tighter. She continued to battle. Forcing herself, she reached out her hand to the phone that lay besides her. Swiftly, she tapped in her code. “You’re so weak, Aisha…”, "…Why are you going to listen to the Qur’an after sinning, are you mad?”, “…Listen, its over for you. You’ve made far too many mistakes, you should punish yourself for this.”, “Is there even any point of existing?” Shaytaans whispers escalated as she continued to hold the phone in her hand. Her one finger was on the screen ready to click play, and the other on the power off button.

But what would she do. She looked ahead at the window in front of her. The night was dark. Yet, a light still shone. Perhaps it was a street light. Whatever it was, it somehow gave her an ounce of hope amidst the darkness of her thoughts. Maybe the light would shine through.

Despair. She was on the brink of giving up. She was biting her tongue.

She couldn’t despair. Allah was with her. The Most Merciful, The One who loves to forgive. The Pardoner; He was right there. Ready to forgive. Say it. Say Istighfar. Rainbows must be sought. If I don’t do anything, forgiveness will not come. Imaan will not return.

She grabbed her phone once more, tapped in her code and pressed play.

Surah Zumar.

The melodious recitation continued to play but her heart remained frozen. Staring into space, she waited. Waited for the words of Allah to pierce through her hearts and fill it with feelings of tranquility. And it did. “O my slaves who have transgressed against themselves…” Tears began to flow from her eyes. She felt her heart crack open and tears gushed forth. “Despair not of the mercy of Allah.” The pain, regret, guilt stung. “Indeed Allah forgives all sins…” She curled into a ball under her duvet unable to face the darkness of her room. Shy before her Lord. She was crying heavily now but her tongue was also moving repeating words of Istighfaar. Her ears were also listening to the beautiful, healings words of Allah. “Indeed He is the Oft-Forgiving, The Most Merciful.”

Tomorrow will be a new day. The Sun will rise. Wad-Duha. Your Lord has not and will not abandon you. Let your sincere repentance wipe clean the filth upon your heart, Aisha whispered to herself. Now is the time for change.

She lifted her covers, rushed into the bathroom to make her ablution and then stood on her prayer mat. This was her time to change. Not in the next hour, not tomorrow, not next week; now. “Indeed Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in there selves.”

Aisha, the girl who was on the brink of despair but battled her way to the frontline, ready to face the battle. Stronger, determined and more hopeful than ever before.

The Burn [Lessons on Healing]

The other day I was cooking in the kitchen, vegetable and tuna to be more precise when I had suddenly burnt myself whilst taking the pasta out of the oven. Although, I had oven gloves on, part of my hand was still exposed and so I hit it against the interior of the oven, which was at that time, piping hot. I remember feeling an intense sting in the part of the hand, so I quickly moved my hand away only to find that it had left quite a sore mark. I didn’t dwell on it at that moment and continued cooking away; the burning sensation was still there but I kept my mind occupied.

I got home and whilst making Wudhu’, rolled up my sleeves only to find that it had began to swell and now looked like a round, oval-shaped lump. It was also hurting like heck. Over the days, I’ve closely been observing the healing process of the burn. How it changed colour, slowly, how the pain decreased, slowly, and how it became worse before it got any better. It taught me a few lessons about pain, tests and healing, which I want to share with you today.

• The first tinge of pain will hurt – a lot

When we are hit with a sudden or unexpected calamity, hardship, or a test, for example in this case the sudden burn; the moment it strikes is the most painful and the most intense. However, it is also the defining moment. A moment we can choose to either be patient with gritted teeth, or react with foul language and other words that are displeasing to our Creator. The pain I felt the moment my skin touched the scorching oven (which was huuuuge by the way), hurt a lot. But the pain thereafter was not as much as it was in those few milliseconds. It reminded me of a hadith of Rasulullah (salallahu alayhi wasallam) where he said:

The Prophet (salallahu alayhi wassallam) said, “Verily, patience is at the first strike.”

Remember, the defining moment, the moment that could raise your ranks to levels you never imagined, and a moment that carries magnanimous rewards is at the moment the calamity strikes.

• It sometimes gets worse before it gets better

Oh yes, my burn actually got worse before it got better. It went from pink, to red to maroon to a horrible black colour before it even began to scab over. Some nights I felt like itching it so much but held back because it would make it worse. But what I realized was, although it looked and felt as though it wasn’t getting any better, it actually was. Healing wasn’t meant to be easy nor was it meant to be pain free. However, the greater the pain the greater the feeling of ease and relief will follow after it. 

When you go through a test the process of healing and adapting back to reality is probably going to be hard before it gets easier. That’s because sweetness is appreciated more when one has tasted bitterness, similarly a rainbow is clearer when its followed by a heavy rainfall. The difficult part is all part of the healing process. Turn back to Him and He will bind your heart with the coolness of faith and mend your heart, which has been broken or frozen shut.

•    Healing takes time

Don’t expect to heal straight away. When we’re ill and are taking medication how long does it sometimes take for the medication to kick in and begin to work? And does a person recover right away or over a period of time? Similarly, when we’ve had our heart broken, or when we’ve wronged our own souls, or when we have been struck by a test, it can take time for our hearts to completely mend. Sometimes it will require for us to make a lot of Du’aa, istighfaar and a change of perspective to begin the healing journey.

My burn didn’t heal instantly after I applied cream to it. It took time. But the entire healing journey consisted of change. Change in pain, change in the colour and look of the burn. Similarly, the healing process or the period of hardship is supposed to change us for the better. Allah is always teaching us something through the experiences we go through so pay heed to the signs throughout the journey.

• Scars heal but never truly fade

My burn has healed, well not completely, but its getting there. :) Yet, it will leave a beautiful, pinky scar on my hand.  It reminded me of how our tests, struggles and scars are a mark of our strength and perseverance. They remind us of how we battled and fought and made it through by the will of Allah. They remind us to remain humble and represent the lessons we learnt through our experiences.

Many of us often think that the experiences we went through remain in the past. But sometimes, some experiences remain with us, reminding us. Though it is unhealthy to be a prisoner of our past, it is important for us to understand who we are and the lessons that have shaped us by reflecting on our past. Our broken pieces and vulnerabilities are a unique part of us, so are our scars. They accompany us through life. They should teach us to not be afraid to take risks for fear of the past, or the fear of hurt. But instead to assure ourselves that Allah will heal, always, like He always has done. That He will protect and cure. And that every experience is different, no two is the same; each teaching us its own unique lessons to better us as human beings and to draw us closer to Him.

• Al-Jabbar – The One who Mends And Restores

No one could have mended my burn besides Al-Jabber. He is the One who heals and fixes. He is the One who cures and mends. When going through a test or when you’re heart has been broken, always turn to Allah. Raise your hands and call upon Him by this beautiful name. Regardless of how rusty, broken, hurt, dark or sorrowful your heart has become, He has the ability to remake it, stronger than it ever was before. Just turn to Him and let the healing process begin.