Once upon a Ramadhan...

I sat under the moonlight gazing at the sky as the darkness began to draw in. I looked towards the heaven with a heavy heart. Tears spilled from my eyes as I stared at the dazzling stars above me. For some reason, I felt so homesick, so empty from inside. I don’t know what caused it. It wasn’t the first time I had been away from home; I had been on many school trips prior to this event, but here I was, at an Islamic event, volunteering at a stall with my brother and the rest of the team, and instead of being motivated with soaring Imaan, I was sat outside all alone, crying.

To this day, I ponder over those emotions I felt that day. I remembered feeling lost, empty, like a gaping hold was within me, and no, it wasn’t because I was homesick, yes, I missed my parents but I had only been away three days. Surely, there was something else I longed for. Something words couldn’t explain, but Allah knew what was in my heart.

I remember asking Allah for something as I sat there on that night. I can’t remember exactly what it was but I know it was a call for help, for guidance. I walked into the stalls area with teary eyes only to be questioned by my team about why I was feeling so homesick. Yet, I couldn’t explain. It felt as though I had had enough. I had enough of running around for others and needed some time to myself and for deep introspection. I felt like I had the burden of too many sins and needed to repent. Being away from home made me realise that, being in a ‘so-called Islamic event’ which had music and free mixing is what caused me to crave for Imaan, for a relationship with Allah.

Luckily, it was at that moment I was informed that the Ramadan moon had been sighted, meaning the first fast was tomorrow. I was elated, overjoyed that we didn’t have to stay another night. The journey back was a journey of contemplation. I had travelled with my brother and my team all the way to what I thought would be a strict Islamic event, yet got nothing out of it except a guilty heart. Simply because I had spent two days in an environment of Fitnah, when I expected two days of constant Imaan boost.

When I look back, I think Allah was taking me far from Imaan so that I could appreciate what a gift I had been blessed with. He took me into an environment of Fitnah, so I could long for Him and for a peace of mind.

So that was the Ramadhan that changed my life forever.

I came home, slept until I was energised and got up for my first fast. It was lovely to be home but I was looking most forward to spend this Ramadhan , changing for the better. I had found a copy of the translation of the Qur’an on my bookshelf; I had picked it up ages ago from my local Islamic centre but I had never read it. This Ramadhan, I decided to have a read.

Wallahi, I write this with teary eyes. My life from that day on, my perception of things from that day on, was never the same. I was seeking guidance, I was aching for something to fill this emptiness in my heart, I was sick and tired of chasing after the dunyah, I was exhausted after a weekend of running around at an apparently ‘Islamic event’, I was tired of pleasing people, and Allah helped me by illuminating my heart with guidance through the greatest gift He ever give to mankind; the Qur’an.

I recall turning the pages, pondering over the translation; I remember my heart filling with fear when I read the ayahs about the hypocrites and their qualities. Was I a hypocrite also? What if I am a hypocrite?  So many self-reflection questions flooded my mind as I read on. I recited the ayahs of Jannah and Allah’s mercy and love… and for the first time in my fourteen years of living, I realised that I had finally understood or acknowledged the message of my Lord.

For the first time I wept when I read the verses, and reflected over the translation. For the first time I fell in love with the Qur’an and in love with my maker.

Those thirty days of Ramadhan were the best days in my entire life. The Qur’an was my new best friend. Finally, a sense of peace had entered my heart, the hole had been filled and the Qur’an had entered my dying heart. O, how much I had waited for this day, how much my soul had waited for this day.

I often reflect today over that Ramadhan. I often question myself whether I still feel that sweetness that I felt in those days of Ramadhan. Does my heart still interact with the Qur’an as it did then? Do my eyes still flow with tears?

I decided to write this memoir, to share with you all how much the reading the Qur’an WITH IT’S MEANING changed my life forever. If you are someone who is feeling lost in the world, feel emptiness and a longing… I plead to you to turn to the book of Allah. Turn its pages, but only once you’ve savoured the true sweetness of the ayahs and truly understood the true message of your Lord.

Sometimes in life, you come to a point where you’ve had enough. You want a change, you want to be better, and you want some harmony. Don’t be scared to ask for guidance, don’t hold in those tears, and don’t bottle up your feelings, for Allah knows what is in your heart. Ask Him, and ask Him to guide you through means of His book – and watch how your life will change for the better, forever.

Make it a goal that this Ramadhan that you will read the Qur’an with its meaning and study it thoroughly, and contemplate over its gems so that it becomes a burning lamp in dark areas of your life, and a source of comfort in your times of grief, and a means of peace when life gets rough.

May Allah allow us to reach Ramadhan with good health and Imaan and may He make us amongst those who truly reflect over the Qur’an, and make us amongst the Ahlul Qur’an, those that are the closest to Him. Ameen.